Of course, there are those old-fashioned advice articles that suggest treating your husband like a king while acting like a member of his staff. This is not one of those. This is about love, appreciation, and deepening a bond built upon mutual respect. It’s not that your husband doesn’t think his own affirmation and contentment aren’t important. It’s just that the old adage, “A happy wife means a happy life” is often very important to men — and lots of women have used this phrase in order to close the gap between those old fashioned notions and the new, equal relationship we hope to achieve. The old adage that men work hard to do what they need to do to keep their household happy is still true. The breadwinner burden is very real, and combined with the ways in which men are expected to swallow their emotions, men today may feel pressured to stay silent about their feelings. One of the things men are pressured to do is ignore their own needs. And doing that over a long period of time can lead to their own unhappiness and resentment and can cause a marriage to really struggle. RELATED: 12 Ways To Know Your Husband’s Happy In Your Marriage
So, ladies, here’s what your husbands need to hear on a regular basis so they feel loved and supported, too.
It doesn’t have to happen every day or every week (though that might be nice!). But you should try to do it as regularly as possible, at the very least once per month or so.
1. “Thank you.”
Once, during a fall fair that my friend and I had organized, I ran into her husband and their three kids. The kids were young and hard to manage and he looked exhausted. I asked him if anyone ever said “thank you” to him. He shook his head. I think about that moment a lot. I know that saying “thank you” to your husband for helping out seems like something that you shouldn’t have to do. After all, no one ever thanks you. And your husband often doesn’t do things the way that we want them to. That can be extremely frustrating, so sometimes it’s hard to appreciate them. But recognizing the things that your husband does to support you is very important. Why? Because everyone wants to be recognized for the efforts they make, even if those efforts might not be exactly what you want them to be. So, next time your husband covers for you when you need to be out of the house, thank him. If he does something that you’ve asked him to do, thank him. If he buys you a birthday present, thank him, even if it’s not something you like! Think about how much you like it when someone says thank you. Do the same for your hubby and you will be taking a big step toward keeping him happy!
2. “I love you.”
So many husbands and wives stop saying “I love you.” And it’s not always because they’ve stopped loving each other, but because they have started taking each other for granted. “I don’t have to tell her/him that I love him. He/she knows.” But failing to say the words, I can tell you, is a recipe for disaster. I remember when my ex and I were struggling. We still said, “I love you” when we hung up the phone or said goodbye in the morning. One day, I asked him not to. I said I wanted to save those words for special times between us and not use them by rote. And he agreed. But he wasn’t happy. Our marriage was struggling but my ex-husband needed to hear that I still loved him. He needed to hear that, no matter how hard things got, that I still felt love for him. Not hearing it was devastating to him. Of course, he didn’t tell me that and a few years later, he left. And one of the reasons he did, he told me, was because we “didn’t love each other anymore.” So, make sure your husband knows that you love him. It’s very, very important that he knows. RELATED: The 12 ‘Golden Rules’ Of Marriage That Couples Who Actually Stay Together Seem To Follow
3. “You’re hot.”
This isn’t a surprise to you but, for men, sex is very important. And, unfortunately, as married lives get crazy, sex often falls by the wayside. It can be very hard on a couple, especially on men. And, as a result, to help them deal with this absence, “You’re hot” is one of those things that husbands need to hear on a regular basis. Why? Because they’ll know that, even if you’re not having very much sex, you desire him. And being desired, for men, can be as important as actually having sex. Many men and women worry about being desirable as they age. Social media has played some pretty serious mind games with us as far as physical beauty and that makes people very insecure. Also, sex has been redefined by the porn industry, something that makes men and women, alike, feel inadequate. So, it’s important that your husband knows that you desire him.
4. “Go have fun.”
Be honest. How many times have you told your husband that it’s OK for him to go out and do something outside of the household — but secretly been resentful that they were doing so? When my kids, who were born 20 months apart, were very young, my husband decided to set a goal of running the New York Marathon. An admirable goal and one that required a lot of effort. And a lot of training. As a result, not only did he work long hours but he also spent a lot of time running. Specifically, not at home with me and the kids but running. And I was not happy. While I did tell him how I felt, I didn’t tell him the extent of it. I didn’t want to be unsupportive so I quietly simmered with resentment. As a result, our marriage suffered in a big way. I wish that I had been able to embrace the things that he wanted to do instead of feeling resentment for them. I wish that I had been able to honestly say, “Go have fun” and be happy that he was doing whatever he was doing. So, if you find that you don’t support your husband’s activities outside of the family, dig deep and find a way to let him do things without resentment. RELATED: 5 Major Mistakes I’ve Made As A Wife (And You Probably Have, Too)
5. “I’m proud of you.”
The final thing that husbands need to hear on a regular basis is that you’re proud of them. Much like “I love you,” men and women get somewhat complacent when it comes to recognizing their partner’s achievements. Again, they think that they don’t have to say anything because they believe that their partners know how they feel. Unfortunately, the opposite is true — almost everyone needs to hear that their person is proud of them. For many men, their self-esteem is achievement-based. While women thrive on emotional connection, for many men, accomplishment is the thing that makes them feel good about themselves. And to be recognized by their person for their accomplishments feels really good. One of the worst things that you can tell your husband is that he’s done a really bad job at something, particularly if he did a pretty good job but didn’t do it the way you wanted it done. Of course, it’s important to give your partner feedback if you would like things done differently but don’t do it with derision. Do it in a positive supportive way, so that he will hear you and do things the way you want them done the next time. And when he does things differently, make sure that you tell him how proud of him you are and that you appreciate the thoughtful effort! Knowing the things that husbands need to hear on a regular basis is the key to keeping a marriage healthy and happy. Men are pretty easy to keep happy, and saying these things on a regular basis will go a long way toward doing so. All of these things are things that you would like to hear as well. So, try them out on your husband and see if you start hearing them back! You can do this! And you will be glad you did. RELATED: The 5 Most Common Reasons Men Fall Out Of Love With Their Wives Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based, certified life and love coach. She works with clients to help them find and keep love. For more info, email her at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com.
