When we did talk it was only to argue. Mostly we bickered about how my husband slept till noon, rarely got out of bed, and refused to look for a job. We were miserable together. But still, I stayed in my marriage. Why? I believed I couldn’t afford to leave. We lived in L.A., an expensive city. Our kids attended a good school in a nice neighborhood. I knew that if my husband and I split up, I couldn’t afford the rent alone. RELATED: What It’s Like To Go From Rich Housewife To Broke And Homeless After Divorce I’d have to move to a crummy part of town and put our kids in substandard schools. I didn’t want to do this. To make matters worse, I was also bankrupt. Years earlier, I allowed my husband to take out a loan in my name. He invested the cash into a Ponzi scheme. The scheme was revealed as fraudulent and suddenly I owed thousands of dollars. I claimed bankruptcy but that meant my credit score tanked. If I left my husband, I doubted I could get a landlord to rent an apartment to me, even in a less desirable part of town. I was working but only part-time. This was because I was trying to be the perfect mom. I volunteered in our kids’ school and made sure dinner was on the table every night. I helped our sons with their homework. But in doing so, I hadn’t focused on my career. I didn’t have any savings. My husband had his own financial issues (e.g. investing in the Ponzi scheme). He wouldn’t be able to help much if I left. I would receive no alimony and only little child support. His parents were paying our rent. RELATED: Why My Husband Never Thought I’d Leave I decided it was better to stay together. But I was miserable. My distressing financial situation kept me in an unhappy marriage. Our unhappy marriage had a devastating effect on our children. Unfortunately, I wasn’t the only person who was suffering in this unhappy marriage. This was a terrible situation for our kids. Not only was it misery-provoking for our children to live in such an acrimonious household, but I was depressed. I wasn’t able to be the kind of mother that my kids needed. I was often angry and irritable. I wasn’t a very nice person to be around and my kids suffered as a result. I finally left my husband. I finally worked up the courage to leave my husband. Yes, this was a terrifying decision. I moved my sons with me into a new apartment. I had to ask my father to cosign on my lease. I went on food stamps and got a full-time job. Still, I scraped by, hardly able to pay my rent and bills. RELATED: What Having A Cheating Father Taught Me About Men However, almost immediately after leaving my husband, my sons became happier. Want to know why? Because I became happier. My sons told me how much happier they were. Both mentioned that they were more content living in a place without so much arguing. And of course, I was also easier to be around. You can imagine what staying married to my husband had been doing to our children. Preoccupied with my own sadness and anger, I was unable to tend to my kids’ needs. My only solution was to divorce their father. But that was terrifying because of my distressing financial situation. It’s taken years for me to rebuild my credit score, pay off my debts, and save money so I’m not living month-to-month anymore. Here’s my advice to people in similar situations: No matter how much it will hurt you financially to leave a marriage — no matter how much you might struggle after a divorce — staying in an unhappy marriage is bad for you. If you have kids, it’s catastrophically bad for them. I left my marriage, and yes, I struggled because of my distressing financial situation. But I’m stronger for it now. RELATED: Confessions Of A Bitter Mistress: I Was In Love With ‘Our’ Man Elle Silver writes about divorce, relationships, and family. Everything she’s learned about love, she’s learned the hard way.
This article was originally published at Medium. Reprinted with permission from the author.
